Lord, I can barely afford to hang out with my own friends. I've called the zoo for the last two weeks, at least once a day. No answer from HumaCare or the zoo. No response. Now I've received another notice from US Bank -- insufficient funds? I had the money in there, but they charge me anyway. (Don't get me started on banks and their ways...damn banks. All of them. To the deepest pits of hell).
When you can't even be sure you can see your friends...
This is the wonderful thing about growing up. All of my old ghosts are really haunting me. I desperately want to return to Western this fall. I don't care if I'm a six-hour car ride away from home, it's just as good. There are people there I've shared some of greatest moments with. And now...it could all be gone. For good or for now, I don't know. But what's done is done, and I have to wait how things play out...one extra paper turned in to McMichael...one extra night working on a speech...a few more interviews for my Public Affairs final...so many things that, with the glorious benefit of hindsight, I clearly see I should have done.
Hindsight is a pain in the ass. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, knowing myself. It's never particularly helpful. It comes directly from making the very mistakes that you then learn you needed to avoid. There are so, so many points I can look to and say, "Damn. Why didn't I do that?" And while I can learn from them, I'll never have the chance to correct them.
I've got plenty on my mind. I'm not normally a quiet reserved guy. Any time spent with me makes this obvious. But I've been relatively sedate lately ("sedate" by my standards still means more active and...ADHD...than a sizable chunk of the populous) and I'm not sure I like it. Ray Lockman is a live wire. It's what I am, it makes me who I am. It's why the people who love me love me. It's why the people who can't stand me want to strangle me.
Oddly enough...I've learned to use that energy to my advantage. I've really made huge strides in my confidence since high school. It's probably one of the things I really lacked until late in high school, and now it's made me feel almost invincible. My optimism, my energy, my zeal have been a shield, and armor of sorts.
I'm feeling worn, like a toy that's been wound a few too many times. And staying awake doing about nothing isn't helping. A sane person would be asleep right now. Then again, a sane person can do more than just identify their flaws...
And here's where the chinks start to show. I'm wearing thin and tearing apart. It's not a disaster, but it certainly isn't boding well for the future, now is it?
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1 comment:
I'm sorry about the job thing. But, like I've said many a time.. all you can do is turn in tons of applications and one of those companies will eventually call you back. I'd almost say it was downright rude, what the zoo did to you.. they should have told you you needed to reapply.
No, no.. you cannot not come back to Western. I would.. I don't know what I'd do if that occured. Why are you saying things such as that? I know the feeling of could have done more.. my grades were pretty shit and I have a 2.0 now. Not what I wanted out of my freshman year.. you can't leave, because Western wouldn't be the same without you.. it would definetely suck without you.
I love you and I don't want to see you fall apart.. I wish I could do more then just type words, but I can't.. right now anyways. Stay strong. I'm always here if you need to talk.
<3hanna
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