Number Four (OR: My aunt's new nickname is Jaws)

"Diane's getting married Wednesday."
"Oh, that's nice. Tell her I said congrats."

Most little girls spend there lives dreaming of their wedding, the big elaborate day that they get to spend oodles and oodles of daddy's money on. The dress, the cake, the caterer, the reception, and the groom - all pieces of the day (gentlemen, do not be mistaken. Your role in a wedding is to show up on time, smile, and not sleep with the stripper from the bachelor party. No more, no less.). It's the biggest day they may ever know, and the bigger the wedding, chances are she's off to begin a fledgling career as a professional trophy wife.

At least, that's the dream.

The above was the approximate involvement of most of my family when my Aunt Diane got married last week.

Diane New-Ray-Ballard-whathisname-Jaworski. Yeah, her fourth marriage, and she's not hit 45 yet. Dear god. I don't think any of us remember number three's last name, as they were married for about forty-five minutes or so. All I remember about Dwight (that was his first name, anyway) was that he ran over the dog. Not necessarily the fondest memory, but Diane's dogs have a tendency to be annoying as hell, so maybe it's not a tragedy either. (Don't jump my shit, here people...I'm a dog person. But annoying dogs are not fun.)

This one is theoretically going to work. Diane's actually got her act together, which is far more than can be said of any of the others. Hell, actually falling in love with Mickey was not quite inevitable. The only problem is, there are four kids involved, three of whom still are present in her life, one of whom isn't even in high school yet. And the oldest is still attached to her dad. Never mind he happens to be an asshole. This is a guy who'd pawn anything that wasn't his the minute the owner stepped out of sight. Thank god he was never my babysitter...

Oddly enough, ask anyone who's from Kentucky or has relatives within, and you'll hear at least one similar story.

Good luck Diane. Or should I say...Jaws?